Searching for Grace....Again

Ugh.

Why do I do these things to myself? I've fallen in love again. With two men.

Two.

I truly am fortune's fool.

The worst part is, I'm not totally sure if either feels what I feel. I'm sure they do feel something for me. But if it's what I conceive Love to be or not, is another matter.

For me Love truly is what the ancient Greeks described it as. A triad of emotions. Philas, Agape and Eros.

And in what has become typical of my life's progress, my circumstance mirrors my desire. I am involved in a polyamorous relationship in which both my partners seem to lack a feeling of Eros for me.

One claims it's because he lacks the ability to have connective emotional sex with anyone he loves. The other, because he fears getting too close to me will alienate our other partner. So I am left with the brotherly, family love while lacking the passion I so despair for .

This trip down the path of my insecurities was spured on by a meaningless sexual escapade I had yesterday afternoon. I had just spent a wonderful weekend with both my partners. Friday saw us in the throws of sexual passion and both my men experienced release.

I did not.

So yesterday I decided I would take matters into my own hands. I found a boy and had my fun. Release was achieved. But boy did I pay for it. I've been unsettled all day.

I've been wondering if either of my partners is physically attracted to me. They both claim to be yet neither initiates sex with me. Oh sure I get my share of passionate kisses and hugs. They both say I love you.

Yet I still doubt both of them.

The passion that was shared on Friday was between them. I was untouched sexually. I severed only as a medium for both of their orgasms.

I wish I could let this go, but I can't.

I want more from both of them and they seem unable to give the most important part of themselves to me. It's frustrating, infuriating and irritating.

And it hurts.