Ides Of Grace

Spring is almost here and my heart is light as a lark's warble. I've been happy in my life, but never to the extent I am as of this writing. It's difficult to put into words, but I need to make the attempt.

My folks were barely adults when they had me. We learned the harsh realities of the world together. Like many people, I had my share of difficulties growing up. Yet I always had the blessing of a loving family, despite its disfunction.

Either by uncanny selection or Universal providence, I'm surrounded by loving people. I didn't lose a single person when I came out. Not one. I realize just how rare this is.

I am blessed with many deep, long lasting relationships. It's a bit Capraesque, and like George Bailey, I often forget that good people draw other good people to them. I've recently been reminded of this.

My ex is fast approaching her one year anneversary of her surgery date. Ironically, her transformation date happens to be the day before my birthday. So as I've been ticking off the days to my 43nd birthday, I've also been contemplating her metamorphasis.

It has been a transformative moment for the both of us.

Obviously, she has the larger burden to bear. The release of decades of obfuscation, of pain and denial. I can only imagine the relief she must feel. I can empathize. Most gay men have a similar revelatory moment when they decide to come out.

Yet even that pales in comparison to completely altering one's gender. The scalpel is applied not just to flesh, but psyche as well. It a complete cosmic reordering of one's life and soul. My ex has displayed a courage one reads about, but seldom sees.

She's also had moments of terror and doubt. I am grateful for the opportunity to have been there for her during this transitional time. I've often been asked, "how on earth did you do it? How did you stay friends with your ex in the face of all this?"

The answer has always been the same. "It's who I am."

Teresa and I have a history. You don't spend 7 years in love with someone and then in their darkest moment abandon them. Unconditional Love is giving love expecting none in return. This is the only kind of love I know how to give.

I still love Teresa. Uncondtionally. But for the fact that I am completely and totally unattracted physically to the female form, we would still be a couple.

I am all together graced.

Graced with good friends. Graced with an amazing family. Graced with a man who loves me like I've never been loved.

Graced with the conviction that doing right by someone no matter the emotional cost to yourself, is the only way to live life.

A life with Grace.