Shards of Self: July 2010

Ok so every gay man has one of these posts. It's obligitory. Standard issue.

So why should I be any different.

So for the record, I'm a top. For various reasons my last relationship lacked the amount of sexual play I was and am used to. Contrary to whay you might think, this did not disturb me.

My libido is a changeable thing. It ebbs and flows with the level of my partner's. When I had the urge, and my partner's were not in the mood, I had the freedom to find release elsewhere.

On occasion I would. Usually though I was quite content taking charge of my own release. I would excuse myself from our bed with the stock phrase, "I'm going downstairs to take care of business". I would usually finish quickly and head back to bed to snuggle with Bobby.

This was a routine I had accepted and become accustomed to.

So now that 1/3 of my relationship is over, and the other 1/3 is in this nether region of "are we/aren't we", I've taken to getting my sexual needs met more frequently by other men. I travel a bit more to do this, since I no longer live with Bob and have moved back to my home in Mountain House, where my parents live with me.

Needless to say, this tends to cramp one's style.

It's a situation that has grown organically. I'm actually a little proud of myself for recapturing the sense of adventure I had back in my 20's. Two relationships, age and changing tastes had caused a shift toward a more conservative approach to getting off;

Me "taking care of business".

In my younger days, I was a bit wild. I experimented and tried many things. Yet for all of those forays into kinkier play three things never changed.

First, I'd never had an orgasm from making love to a man. Second, I'd never been given an orgasm by a man orally. Lastly, I'd only ever been able to reach climax by manual stimulation either on my own or with the assistance of another.

I had long ago resigned myself to not ever having an orgasm induced by oral or anal sex. I concluded that for me, it would remain the mythical holy grail. Sought after but unattainable.

Several things had to be just right for my partner to get me to orgasm. I had to feel comfortable. They had to be patient to learn what sent me over the edge. I had to feel no pressure like I "had" to have an orgasm or the world would just end for my sexual partner.

Needless to say, I've not had much success with someone else getting me to the point of orgasm. Hence my drive and desire to be able to cause an orgasm in my partners. I became a giver. It is what I do best afterall.

My most recent attempt at partner intimacy was for the most part very unsatisfying. Attempts to engage me were few and far between. When the mood was there, it was laden with pressure to "get off" and little patience to find what made me tick. Phrases like "I give up!" and "you're too much in your head!" did little to spark confidence in me and just made things worse.

Is it any wonder why both partners were able to induce a grand total of one orgasm each from me? I on the other hand had much greater success with them. I paid attention to what felt good for them, focused on that and voila! I am and always have been an attentive lover.

Of course this is neither hear or there. I can count on both hands with fingers left over the number of times I had sex with either or both of them. There wasn't much opportunity or desire on their parts to learn what works for me.

Selfish? Maybe. But they are after all men. Most men are incredibly selfish when it comes to sexual release. How many women complain to their girlfriends about how their lover had an orgasm, promptly rolled over and went to sleep?

Gay men are no different. I can hardly fault them for what is a basic trait found in my gender. You accept it and move on, or spend a lifetime feeling bad about it. I chose to accept it.

So I've been playing more with other men as of late. This has been fun and instructive. As always, I'm still focused on the pleasure of the other person. But I have taken the statement "you're too much in your head" to heart and have tried to just let go.

I've had some success.

My most recent encounters have been the day to my previous night. Did I say day? I meant luminous sun filled summer solstice.

Tonight was just incredible.

I men this man on one of the many gay hook-up websites out there. An attractive man, Latino, older. Very much my type.

After several near misses, tonight we finally met. There's chemistry. We joke and talk first. Eventually we end up on his bed and play ensues.

He's thoughtful, attentive. He pays attention to me, notices what makes me excited. He focuses on those things.

He is, for lack of a better description, another me.

And something marvelous happens.

First. Ever. Blowjob. Orgasm.

I'm still seeing stars.

I'm so cranked about it, I'm writing this post because I can't sleep. I am filled with all sorts of emotions about this moment. Relief, astonishment, a sense of "oh my God, this is what I've been missing?!?!?!"

And one other feeling that overrides all the others. A sensation I haven't felt in months. An emotion I've sorely missed;

Joy.

Manny, thank you for returning that special sense of joy sex can sometimes have. I couldn't have had a sweeter, kinder Percival. Thank you for bringing me the Grail.

I will always be grateful.

Shards of Self

Friday, July 23, 2010

Letting Go

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Catharsis

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