Two Cowboy Waltz

I am in awe of the Universe.

As I stand there in the presence of a man I've loved for so long hearing that he has loved me with a passion and longing that rivaled my own, I reel from the symmetry that lies beneath the chaos of life. All of it, every bit of it, all of my angst and pain and suffering has meaning. It's lead me to this impossible improbable moment.

And for the first time in my life I am ready to sieze my joy. I have the wisdom, the strentgh, the courage to at last, at long last finally accept happiness.

To reach Elysium.

I hold Mark as I've always wanted to. He trembles in my arms as we waltz together. The surreal nature of the moment is not lost on us. It's as if we're in a Magrit or Dali painting, all clouded eyes and melting clocks.

Mark tells me he's on a date. That the only reason why he's here is because the man who he's with wanted to come. That this action, being here in the country scene again took every ounce of courage he could muster to come. That he was feeling alone, ignored, dejected and bitter. Then he saw me dancing with my friend and he knew why he was here.

And he was thunderstruck.

We spend as much time with each other as propriety will allow. Even now, in this watershed moment for both of us, we must wait. A desire to preserve the feelings of a stranger fills both of us with the same respect we held for our respective former partners. That compassion is at the core of who we both are. It is the strongest link in the chain that binds us together.

We exchange information at the end of the evening and I have the excruciating task of letting Mark go. Yet the pain is tempered by the knowledge that this time there will be a tomorrow. All of the cinders and ashes from my yesterdays wash away in the smile of the man who will be my future.

I begin the drive home my mind a whirl of emotions. I'm listening to Mark's music when suddenly he calls. it's as if the music conjured him.

His music is magic for me. It always has been. At last I finally get to share this. I finally get to share with Mark that I fell in love with him because of his music and because of one song in particular.

I've shared earlier of the one song that stood out from all others on Mark's first album. A song that captured a singular moment in time for me. The essense of my love of country dancing. So I tell Mark of my love for the song. What it means to me. What I did with Doug that first night in our new home. Consecrating our love and abode with the strains of that sweet country waltz that for me is Mark's heart and soul.

And as Mary Chapin Carpenter sings, "In the age of miracles another is on the way".

Mark reveals to me that he wrote Two Cowboy Waltz to express how he felt the first time he saw cowboys dancing together at the Rawhide. I'm stunned by the knowledge. We are linked Mark and I even in our epiphanies.

We spend hours on the phone sharing with each other. Being in each other's presense. His voice the salve my wounded heart has needed for so long now. We agree to see each other the following weekend. To finally be with each other as we've always wished and dreamed.

Needless to say we couldn't wait.

Tuesday past I invite Mark to join me at 1220 in Walnut Creek. The East Bay version of Sundance. Small, intimate, peopled with long time veterans of the Bay Area country scene, it is a warm inviting space that many of my dearest friends attend. It's the antithesis of the High Church Sundance is. In my mind a perfect venue in which to ease Mark back into a scene from which he once fled.

He arrives a bit earlier than me. So I have the pleasure of driving up and seeing him in his car. My excitement and giddiness is uncontainable and uncontrolable. I have no need or desire to hold back any longer.

We embrace, we kiss. We weep. We are at long last we.

One.

We venture out into the cool Walnut Creek evening. We dine, joke, laugh. We are both electric with the tension and the energy that our love is at long last free to exhibit. We share our meals with each other. Joyous in knowing this is the first of many opportunities to share.

We head back to 1220. I hold his hand as we walk back to my car. I walk in to my holy of holies with the man of my dreams on my arm.

My arm.

Euphoria seems such a weak description of what I was feeling.

We mingle around. I get to introduce Mark to my friends who I've known and loved even longer than I've pined for Mark. It is a homecoming of sorts. Then my new/old love does something I had only dreamed of.

I hear the DJ announce that the next song is a dedication to me. I catch the strains of music that have nourished and sustained the love I've held for Mark all these years. The chords of love that bind me to Mark as no other element on this planet or Universe could. And then as if out of the pages of a fairytale, Mark asks me to waltz with him.

A two cowboy waltz.

In that moment, we are sealed. Everything fades away and it is just Mark, me and his glorious music. We spin and sway basking in the glow of a deep abiding love that has survived the abuses of time and distance it's innocence and purity unscathed.

My hearts desire born all those years ago, on the cover of that CD, between the liner notes and minor chords I have at last found solace.

Home.

My handsome midwestern cowboy wrote a song that speaks of the longing he once held. Though the song predates our meeting and is about a fictional man, it applies so well to the both of us. It's as if this song summoned the unrequited nature of our love. With the greatest respect and humility for the work of the man I love I post his words here as a reminder to all. Be true to the love you hold for others. Someday, Universe willing, that love may rise like a Phoenix to set the ice blue winter sky ablaze.

I confess/
that I told a friend or two about this man I met the day I met you/
I confess I remember what you wore/
that Tweety bird t-shirt that you don’t wear no more.

I confess/
I confess that when I am next to you/
I never have my breath/
I confess/
I confess that being friends with you it’s the worst because it’s the best/
I confess.

I confess/
every time you say my name/
it’s not coincidental that a smile comes to my face/
I confess/
that when you hug me your goodbyes/
I listen to my heart beat and I close my eyes.

I confess/
I confess that when I am next to you/
I never have my breath/
I confess/
I confess that being friends with you it’s the worst because it’s the best/
I confess.

And one time your sister watched me while I was watching you/
She caught my eye and said/
“I know ‘cause I love him too.”

I confess/
I confess that when I am next to you/
I never have my breath/
I confess/
I confess that being friends with you it’s the worst because it’s the best.
I confess.---Mark W.