Searching For Grace

So now that it's out in the open, it's my turn to decide. Our relationship was, is founded on acceptance. No secrets, no fear, no lies not matter how hard the truth is to say or hear.

So how do I accept this?

How do I accept his desire, need to be a woman? How do I say "OK" to the one thing that will end irrevocably and without question the relationship we have built? How do I bring myself to let him, our life, all of it go without a fight?

And I want to fight. With every cell in my body. With all the strength and courage I can muster I want so bad to say "No! I will NOT let you, us go!" Not like this, not with silence and resignation and quite aquiesence.

But I love him. I am still IN love with him. To fight this would be to say that his feelings don't matter and they have always mattered to me. Above all else.

Above my own.

I have only ever wanted his happiness. It has been my life's mission since we met in London's square to make a happy healthy space for him. A place where the monsters of his childhood could not reach him.

I will not become the monster that keeps him from finding his true self. Even if it means I bury the romantic love I still feel for him. I will surrender myself to the silence I must maintain.

And every day I will hope and pray and struggle and scrape for every ounce of grace I can find.

What else is there to do?