Blondie and Jeff

My writing process is funny to most. I seldom read or edit what I write for content. What ends up on the page pretty much is what I feel the moment I type it. I guess I have a good internal editor that keeps everything in focus and on point.

I know this is a blessing and I don't question it. I simply accept the gift and write. Sometimes it's painful, to reread what has spilled out of me. My writing seems so raw, viseral and otherworldly that there has been more then one moment, I've nearly consigned it all to oblivion. A "delete" and done.

But I think better of it and continue on. Life is like that, you make mistakes, have regrets grow from them and move on. I've accepted this cycle as the way things are, and live accordingly.

So about one of those regrets.

In an ealier post, I mentioned a friend who took me to the Midnight Sun and then to the Rawhide. This post is about him, and a long held regret I've had. Blondie is so much more than a friend, he is my touchstone.

Allow me to explain.

Long ago when I was in my 20's, I stumbled upon gay.com. This discovery helped me to explore what it was to be gay for me, and paved the way for my coming out. I had it easier than most. My folks, brothers and friends were all accepting, supportive and loving. Again I realize this is a gift and I am grateful everyday to be that rich in supportive people.

One of the first people I met on gay.com was my friend James. James is the epitome of beautiful. Classically handsome, sweet and the biggest heart this side of a whale or labrador. There is no artifice with James, he is real down to the core of his being.

I didn't have to act the straight, macho, barrio boy with James. I got to be me. James was the first person to know me without the mask. That cleverly fashioned device society, culture, religion imposes upon, no demands of young Latino men. The young gay man who saw promise of love in every man's smile.

It was freedom. It was liberation. It was but the first gift given me by Blondie.

When I met James, it was like I already knew him. We fell in easily with each other. Conspiritorial winks, knowing looks. It's as if there was a time and place before where we had known each other and been connected. It was and still is an important relationship for me.

I had been there for him when he broke up with his boyfriend. He had been there for me as my young gay heart was bruised by my first forays into dating men. James kept me from becoming a classically jaded gay man. His wisdom and compassion kept me sane, gave me hope and a goal to aspire to.

Forget Michael Jordan. When I grew up I wanted to be like James. I still do.

James and I would frequent the Rawhide every Friday and Saturday religously during those heady days of the 90's. The Rawhide in the 90's was like San Francisco's Studio 54. Everybody wanted to go, and the place was always packed. I had a front row seat to it all thanks to James.

Not long after James' break up, I met another man. His name was Jeff. Dashing, clever, funny, never a more beautiful pair of eyes had I seen. I had orginally entertained the idea of dating Jeff. He and I met and found in each other more comedy than chemistry. I wasn't crushed, rather grateful for a new friend.

Jeff had been there for me too. Gay Rodeo Weekend I was on my way down to San Jose to meet Jeff. We were going to head to some of the events and then to the big dance afterward. On my way down I was rearended by another vehicle barely escaping serious injury. It was Jeff who came and rescued me from the side of the Nimitz.

He mothered me that day as only a gay Jewish man can. He tended me, cared for me. Made sure I was comfortable. Through his ministrations, I shook off the shock of the accident and we managed to go 2stepping that evening.

It takes more then a car crash to keep this cowboy off the dance floor. But I digress.

It was Jeff's sweetness and attentiveness that put a wild idea in my head. I had danced with both of these men at the Rawhide and I had even introduced them to each other one night. James had said to me after meeting Jeff "that one could be dangerous for me".

Matchmaker, matchmaker bring me a match, find me a find, catch me a catch.....

So I ask them both to meet me at the Rawhide. As always, they were both gracious and defferential. They agree not knowing what I intended. So I arrive with James and along comes Jeff.

Can you say skyrockets?

I whisper to James "sorry sweetie I have a date, you're on your own with Jeff". If looks could kill I would have been powder on the pavement. Yet I knew even in that "oh no you DIDN'T!" look there was joy. Pure, unadulterated, real joy. I made my goodbyes to both of these men who I had come to love and respect as friends, brothers, family and excused myself.

They have been together ever since.

These men made it a point to include me in everything. Gratitude for the small part I played on the grand stage that is their love. The inexorable, unshakeable, eternal love these two share.

And I abused that love. This dear readers is my unpardonable sin. My regret.

I allowed myself to become distant from these two men who I loved best of all. Distant to the point where they became a photo on a dresser. A memento of a life past as I walled myself away in my exurban chrysalis. Shadows and shades in a distant memory.

Then a month ago, through the miracle that is Facebook, I get an invitation. From James. "I've been looking for you FOREVER! I miss you!"

And I burst into sobs. Deep soul wrenching on the floor in the fetal position sobs. Despite all the time that has passed between us, James misses me.

My Blondie misses me.

So this past Friday my dear sweet friend invites me to his 4th photographic exhibition. I arrive in San Jose at First Friday. A gathering of motley artists that occurs every 1st Friday of the month. There amid the digitially captured colorful clowns of Venitian carnaval meticulously framed by his lover Jeff, I see James.

My Blondie.

And all the ache and hurt and pain of the last year fall from me in the glow of that smile that rivals the daystar this little orb circles. We embrace and its as if no time has passed at all. There within the booths of framed art it is still there the love that these two men share. Strong and vibrant as the day it was born in front of the Rawhide.

I stay for the whole event. I assist with the break down and then we have a drink at the local gay pub. As we sit there amid our drinks and the throbbing music that is ubiquitous among young queers of every generation, Blondie leans over and says: "Thank you again for introducing us, I have never known happiness like this before".

No Blondie, thank you. Thank you for all that you and Jeff have given me. Thank you both for your friendship and comfort. The two of you have given me the greatest gift I could ever receive. Allowing me to bear witness to what God's grace truly is:

Love.

And I will always always always be grateful to both of you for this.

My Northern Stars.