Daybreak

It's always darkest before the dawn.

I've had some time to process Saturday's events. It's been a rough couple of days. I've come to realize much.

First, I've let fear run my life for far to long. Second, my love is valuable. Third, I am worthy of that which I seek most:

Love.

I had two very important conversations today. The first was with my best friend from high school, Jason. The second was with my brother Joe. Both of these voices have been very important in my life. The former has always been a clarion call of truth, honesty and focus. The latter has always offered a loving, compassionate wisdom that belies the fact he is my junior by 5 years.

They both said the same thing today. Their words hit me like a thunderbolt. The haze I've been in for the past two days was swept away by what they said:

"You are worthy of love. You're love is as valuable as those from whom you seek love. You did all you could. You didn't ask for anything more than you were willing to give. It wasn't all your fault."

They gave wise council. "Find out where you stand. Be sure that you have the same understanding and expectations. Be true to yourself."

So tonight I did that.

I spoke with Bobby tonight. It was a difficult conversation to have. I know he's in the middle of his own battle right now. Bobby is torn between two men who love him, and whom he loves.

My place is nothing compared to that.

But I couldn't be silent. I had to seize the moment and speak my needs and concerns. I was not about to allow fear to rob me of my voice again. No this time I would stand up for myself, what I want and what I need.

I need.

We discussed the central tenets of our relationship. We found common ground. But there was also disagreement.

Of course Saturday's events returned. It was difficult to not have the conversation without discussing Kenny. For my part the matter was simple. Kenny left. he didn't just leave me, he left us.

It's clear Bob sees things differently.

I am to blame for all of this. I brought Kenny into the relationship. Kenny left because I couldn't tell him I wanted him here. I am the reason the possibility even existed for Bobby to fall in love with Kenny.

Tonight, I asked Bob to let that go.

If I am to stay, my feelings must come first with Bob. I need to know that. Why?

Because I didn't leave.

I stayed.

I bared all of my insecurities for both of them to see. I agreed that I must grow and began to change. I did the work I was asked to do. I bore all of their fears and concerns alone. I did all of this.

Here.

Right here.

I was willing to do more. I was willing to work with Ken on fixing what was broken between us. I was willing to put aside my doubts and try. I took all these steps toward the middle, all I was asking for was one, single, solitary step in my direction. One word of assurance, that I never got from Ken.

I don't get why.

When Ken was at the beginning of his journey in attempting to bond with Bob, it was I who reassured him. I was the one saying, "it's ok, it'll work I love you, Bob will love you too." It was my mantra to him. I salved his insecurities and fears. I was there for Ken when he needed me.

And it happened. He bonded with Bob. Bobby fell in love with him.

I'm sorry it may be petty and small, but I have to ask the universe; Where was my reassurance? When I was struggling with my fears and insecurities where was the kind word, the loving look?

It was nowhere.

I was told early on, "I won't coddle you. I can't be in a relationship where all the focus is on one person's insecurities." How does one respond to that? How does one not feel more insecure and fearful, when one of the people who is supposed to love you says that? What can you do?

You can doubt. That's what you can do. You can lose trust.

You can lose faith.

In spite of all this. I stayed. Right here.

I could have run. I had many opportunities to call it quits. I have a place of my own to live. I have people who love me. I have emotional resources.

I could have left them together. I could have given into my fears and insecurities. Once again I could have employed self destructive tendancies.

I could have seen Bob's choice to put Ken's feelings ahead of mine as a betrayal. I could have seen Bob's silence as his contribution to the end of the relationship between Ken and I. I could have taken the viewpoint that Bobby had the knowledge to save the relationship. Bobby had the tools in his hands to fashion the middle ground Ken and I needed and did nothing. I could chose to be bitter about that.

I could have made those choices but I didn't.

I stayed. I didn't quit. I did the hard thing. I stayed where I thought I was not wanted.

Because I believed. Because I didn't lose heart. Because I had faith in Bob and in Ken.

Which makes it all the harder to bear the accusation that this is my fault.

I didn't leave you Bobby. Kenny did. He left us both. All because he couldn't say "I want to be with you Jerry. Do you want me to be with you?"

I didn't have the knowledge that you did. I didn't know what you knew. I didn't make the choice to remain silent when action was needed to save all of this.

Kenny had his line in the sand. I had mine. Neither was crossed by the other. You didn't help bridge the gap and now you're left in the no man's land between.

I am heartsick about that.

But the reality is, I'm still here. Regardless of both of your choices. One choosing to leave the other choosing not to act.

I chose to stay.

Now I must wait.

Again.

I have to wait for you to decide what you want Bob.

So I will. I'll wait. Right here.

No matter the outcome, I can and have survived as witnessed by this blog, much bigger, much harder hits to my heart and psyche. If you decide to let me go to be with Ken, I'll be here. If you decide that I'm the one you want, I'll be here. If you chose to try and bring Ken and I together, or to end it with both of us, I will be here.

The point is Bobby, I. Am. Here. I have always been here. I didn't give into my fears. I didn't give up on the love I have for you. I didn't quit when things were hardest. I stayed.

My choice to stay has meaning. If that doesn't tell you how much I love you nothing else I do or say will. Nothing.

So I'll wait. Again.

But this time, I wait without my nemisis;

Fear.

No Day But Today

The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn

There is no future
There is no past
Thank God this moment's not the last

There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret-- or life is yours to miss.
No other road
No other way
No day but today

There's only yes
Only tonight
We must let go
To know what is alright
No other course
No other way
No day but today

I can't control
My destiny
I trust my soul
My only hope
is just to be

There's only now
There's only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way
No day but today--Rent