Triumvirate

How complicated can my life become?

Seriously, I've been trying to simplify things and the more I do, the more involved things become. I've gone and fallen in love with two men. Yes you read that right.

Two men.

What's even more interesting is that they have fallen in love with each other. Confused? Yeah keep reading.

I've become one leg of a triad. Initially what started out as me falling in love with a handsome blue eyed boy has evolved. We've both fallen in love with a brown eyed, gorgeous older man, and he has fallen in love with us.

Oh the Bard was right. It is a tangled web we weave.

It's no wonder so many of us end up like the fly.

Yet for all my discomfiture about this new situation, it has provoked growth. I've begun to face some deep seeded issues that have plagued me from boyhood. It's been hard and painful, but despite that it's been good.

I have to credit my two men for starting me on this journey, however I need to be a bit self congradulatory in that I'm the one who was willing to make the journey in the first place. Not for them, but for myself.

I needed to change. Years of being wounded has provoked a sense of profound desire to end my previous condition. I had chosen to exist in my broken state because it was easy, simple and all I had known.

Yet it was exactly that, a choice.

Just as it's been a choice to walk away from what was easy simple and known for hard, difficult and foreign.

While I have always adapted to change well, I've seldom accepted change gracefully. I've always stumbled my way though emotional evolution, slashing, bruising and bleeding along the way. It's never been pretty.

This instance is no exception.

It's taken harsh words, difficult conversations and pregnant statements full of implications to force the issue for me. My world view has been challenged. I've been forced to look in the mirror and see things I've not been happy seeing.

I've had to accept the darker parts of who I am, and acknowledge that I, like everyone, can at times have bad thoughts. I've wished ill. I've hoped for bad things to happen to good people.

This has not been an easy thing to accept.

Yet the honesty has been liberating. I find myself feeling freer to say what needs to be said. To be honest with myself about how I'm actually feeling and having the strength to say so.

I owe that to my partners.

The previous week I finally shared the deep dark secret I've feared giving voice to. I admitted to both my partners that I have never trusted anyone I loved. I have always expected that someone I love would lie to me and then leave.

Because, I saw myself as unloveable.

So my life has been one big exercise in self sabotage. I would create the conditions in relationships by which my belief would be proven true. I would pull away from those that I love so I could say to myself "See! They left! You are unlovable!"

Except this time, as I began to create the conditions, these two refused to allow it. Both are far more in tune with who they are and are far more evolved than I in many ways. It was their love for me that created in me a sense of trust for one of the few times in my life.

And as I told them what I needed to, neither ran screaming from the building. This proved critical. Their actions disproved my believe that I am unlovable.

So now I need to find a new foundation stone to build my psyche on. I need something much firmer than the quicksand I've been living on for so long. I feel so unsettled an unmoored.

Yet that is so much better than the fear and loathing I've been in all my adult life.

That has to be good. Right?